


He Needs a New Phone btw

by AlzeahXei



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, But there are OCs too, Established Relationship, F/M, M/M, Spot the cameo, attempted humor, contain sexual slurs that may be offensive/triggering, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 23:11:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7952884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlzeahXei/pseuds/AlzeahXei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek and his phone have mutual hatred for each other. The others just find them funny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Needs a New Phone btw

**Author's Note:**

> Please read with caution as there are sexual slurs that may be offensive or triggering to some. And this is not betaed, so all mistakes are mine.  
> Derek's text is plain, italic is the one he's corresponding with.

**SterekXXX**

**2 New Messages**  
**[19.27 PM]**  
_Another late night?_  
_Coz I made bourguignon and you hate it to be cold_

 **[19.38 PM]**  
Sorry, got a phone call from Greg  
They need us to check on a cold case  
keep them in the fridge for me?

 **[19.38 PM]**  
_ok_  
_everyone’s there?_

 **[19.39 PM]**  
yeah  
Need to flip old files page by page  
Am fingering Jordan and Ashley

 **[19.39 PM]**  
_:O_  
_muffin cheese, is there a conversation we need to have?_  
_Or should I prepare the couch instead…_

 **[19.39 PM]**  
damn phone…  
*finding with Jordan and Ash  
I swear it’s the autocorrect, Stiles…

 **[20.01 PM]**  
Stiles?  
I’m really working here…  
John can attest for me

 **[20.01 PM]**  
_Sorry_  
_Sorry_  
_dropped my phone from too much laughing_

 **[20.02 PM]**  
glad you’re entertained…

 **[20.02 PM]**  
_Aawwww…don’t be mad_  
_And I’ll be bringing extra bourguignon to the station_  
_So make sure the guys get their stomach readyyyy_

 **[20.02 PM]**  
thanks  
love you

 **[20.03 PM]**  
_^3^ luv u too_  
_and make sure the sheriff doesn’t catch you guys in the middle of hanky panky_  
_it’ll be AWKWARD_

 **[20.03 PM]**  
ha ha…

 **[20.03 PM]**  
_:D_

…0…

**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL)**

**[9.56 AM]**  
There’s a new orgy for the case  
Will follow up with Greg

 **[10.09 AM]**  
_I’m going to assume that’s a euphemism…_  
_Or be very glad in taking a day off today_

 **[10.11 AM]**  
*lube  
**loin  
******L E A D  
Sorry, John, it’s the autocorrect

 **[10.16 AM]**  
_Still can’t get a hang of it?_

 **[10.16 AM]**  
Sometimes

 **[10.16 AM]**  
_Well, I’ll be meeting Stiles for lunch_  
_Want to join?_

 **[10.17 AM]**  
Yes

 **[10.17 AM]**  
_Great_  
_And tell the others not to get too loud_  
_The station do have an appearance to maintain_  
_No matter how subtle my deputies think they are_

 **[10.18 AM]**  
…yes sir

…0…

**Catrica**

**[16.49 PM]**  
can you do anal tomorrow?

 **[16.49 PM]**  
_Oohhh yes!_  
_I can bring the suitcase and you can choose the size_  
_Should I bring in Stiles? Coz I’m sure he doesn’t want to miss it_

 **[16.50 PM]**  
*analysis  
and no one is giving Stiles anal

 **[16.50 PM]**  
_no one else, of course_  
_;)_

…0…

**SterekXXX**

**4 New Messages**  
**[17.31 PM]**  
_Plot rabbits attack!_  
_Will be type-binging!_  
_Sorry, can’t keep you entertain tonight… D: D: D:_  
_Casserole in the fridge!_

 **[17.37 PM]**  
It’s okay  
I’m tied up with necrophilia too, may be late

 **[17.37 PM]**  
_:O_  
_Teddy Bear, are you hinting something new?_  
_Should we have a sit n talk session first?_  
_Or should I inform Liv?_  
_Can’t have the evidences contaminated, u know…_

 **[17.38 PM]**  
goddamn it  
Stupid autocorrect!  
*a new report  
How are these two words related?

 **[17.39 PM]**  
_:D :D :D XD XD XD XD_  
_Your phone is your inner desires that longs to howl and be acknowledged?_

 **[17.39 PM]**  
Stiles, just go and finish your next chapter

…0…

**SterekXXX**

**2 New Messages**  
**[15.40 PM]**  
_At the store now_  
_Want anything?_

 **[15.40 PM]**  
Orchiectomy

 **[15.40 PM]**  
_???_  
_Derek, I’m at the STORE_  
_Or do you need me to call Melissa for you instead?_

 **[15.41 PM]**  
*****orgasm  
******olly olly oxen free  
WTF  
******hardcore  
*******glowing cumlicker  
I give…  
I’m calling you

 **[15.43 PM]**  
_WAIT_  
_WAIT_  
_WAAAAAIT_  
_Can’t breathe_  
_cramp_  
_kdjebvfditmhj_

 **[15.43 PM]**  
Stiles, somebody’s calling in the station and reporting a public disturbance

…0…

Group: **HAIL THE GREATS**

 **2 New Messages**  
**[16.22 PM]**  
**MamaAlpha:** _Derek, is Laura with you?_  
**MamaAlpha:** _Is Stiles coming over for dinner tonight?_

 **[16.23 PM]**  
Yeah, will be dryhumping her and Stiles  
Laura is taking her sweet time with her hair

 **[16.23 PM]**  
**ScaryCora:** _Bro…_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _Nephew, how adventurous of you_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _And I’ll be here helping the Sheriff (your FATHER-IN-LAW) to choose his guns_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _Such pity, John had always wanted to be a grandpa_  
**BigBadLaura:** _:D :D :D_  
**BigBadLaura:** _Maybe Der-Bear can get a few tips from Bobby later_  
**PapaMufasa:** _Peter_  
**PapaMufasa:** _Laura_  
**MerryLupin:** _Dad, you have to admit, it IS funny_

 **[16.24 PM]**  
*DRIVING  
I’m DRIVING them home!  
Get your dirty minds out of the dirty bitch! Especially you, Peter  
*ditch

 **[16.25 PM]**  
**ScaryCora:** _Or you need to get yourself a less dirty phone_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _Now, now, Cora_  
**Creepy UncleP:** _Where will we get our blackmail source then?_  
**ScaryCora:** _You don’t need anything else to dig up dirt, you just use your ‘charm’_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _True, so true_

 **[16.26 PM]**  
**BigBadLaura:** _I like Derek’s phone_

 **[16.26 PM]**  
it’s yours

 **[16.27 PM]**  
**BigBadLaura:** _Nah, I like it better when it’s with you_  
**MerryLupin:** _Coz they’re Mork & Mindy?_  
**BigBadLaura:** _*high five!*_  
**MerryLupin:** _*high five!*_  
**MerryLupin:** _BUT what about Stiles?! Poor baby!_  
**BigBadLaura:** _Get him and Kenny together?_  
**MerryLupin:** _Agreed_

 **[16.29 PM]**  
Dad, can you pick Laura up?  
Mom, I’m sorry, Stiles and I won’t be there tonight  
We’ll be BUSY  
DRIVING  
TOGETHER  
;:(

…0…

**IsaacVanDork**

**[14.36 PM]**  
Brian and I can be there for the cock tease tomorrow

 **[14.37 PM]**  
_…ummm_  
_remember that the audiences are all kindergarteners?_  
_we don’t want to scar them for life yet…_

 **[14.37 PM]**  
***demonstration  
stupid phone…  
I don’t even know where all these words come from

 **[14.37 PM]**  
_well, as long as you leave the tease out we’re all good_  
_some things are not meant to be done outside of the bed_  
_:)_

…0…

**Dannilicious**

**[11.04 AM]**  
Cross got us new data, can you crack it by today?

 **[11.05 AM]**  
_I can try_

 **[11.05 AM]**  
Ok, will give you head soon

 **[11.05 AM]**  
_Umm, thanks but no thanks_  
_You’re a stud, but I don’t do married husband_  
_Especially when they’re married to my friend_

 **[11.06 AM]**  
*head over to you  
Sorry

 **[11.06 AM]**  
_autocorrect?_

 **[11.06AM]**  
can we just ignore the above

 **[11.07 AM]**  
_Considered it done_

…0…

**Hummel Tires & LUBE(LI)**

**4 New Message** s  
**[10.16 AM]**  
_Hi, this is Kurt, your neighborhood friendly mechanic!_  
_Just calling to inform you that your baby is ready to go home!_  
_Or texting_  
_Technicalities_

 **[10.27 AM]**  
Suck you  
***T H A N K  
Stiles will be there, just settle and pimp him

 **[10.30 AM]**  
_Ermmm…_  
_NO?_  
_He’s one of my best friends, and favorite fiction authors, and your HUSBAND?!_  
_Does the Sheriff know about this?_  
_Since, you know, he’s Stiles’ DAD and your BOSS_  
_Aaand your honorable father-in-law_

 **[10.31 AM]**  
***settle the payment with him  
would you forgive me if I say it’s the autocorrect’s fault?

 **[10.31 AM]**  
_HOW: payment = pimp???_

 **[10.31 AM]**  
I’m long done figuring it out…

 **[10.32 AM]**  
_Okay, I understand_  
_I’m done figuring out Finn’s autocorrect too_  
_It’s a good brain stimulation to figure out what he really means_  
_And Blaine says it’s a great stress reliever_

…0…

**SterekXXX**

**[9.45 AM]**  
we’ll be having a fund raiser next month  
Your pregnancy ok?

 **[9.46 AM]**  
_I know we have very healthy libido and rigorous nocturnal workout_  
_but that shouldn’t stop me from multitasking_  
_Pregnant and baking cupcakes and attending a fund raiser? Easy peachy!_

 **[9.46 AM]**  
I’ll tell the guys you’ll be baking and charity autograph

 **[9.46 AM]**  
_Leave ‘em to me, sweet Alabama babe!_

…0…

Group: **PUPPIES N ME**

 **1 New Message**  
**[14.56 PM]**  
**JackScottington:** _Derek, you’ll handle the food tonight?_

 **[15.00 PM]**  
pussy hankey  
the usual toppings ok?

 **[15.01 PM]**  
**JackScottington:** _???!!!!!!_  
**Catrica:** _And what toppings will we have this time? Yum_  
**IsaacVanDork:** _Really? We’re really having THAT?_  
**IsaacVanDork:** _Can I be absent? I have a migraine. A really BAD one_  
**Boydjangles:** _calm down Isaac_  
**Boydjangles:** _Erica’s just pulling your tail_  
**Jackass:** _I’m leaving this group…_  
**SallyAlly:** _guys, you know it’s the autocorrect_  
**SallyAlly:** _Scott dear, you can close your mouth now…_

 **[15.05 PM]**  
*pizza  
thanks Allison

 **[15.06 PM]**  
**Dannilicious** : _some of these days your phone will get you into trouble_  
**Dannilicious** : _and it won’t be funny_

 **[15.06 PM]**  
I know  
John is getting wary of receiving my massages  
***message  
We just end up calling

 **[15.07 PM]**  
**SterekXXX:** _OMG_  
**SterekXXX:** _Why no one told me about you two????!!!!!!_  
**SterekXXX:** _Der-Pumpkin Boo, SHOW MEEEEEE_  
**Jackass:** _Gross, Bilinski_  
**Jackass:** _This group is not for foreplay_  
**SterekXXX:** _Don’t be jealous coz you got none_  
**Catrica:** _Ooohhhh_  
**Catrica:** _Showing off, batman?_  
**SterekXXX:** _you wanna learn?_  
**SterekXXX:** _Teaching inspiring tricks for young padawan, I can_  
**JackScottington:** _hey, I thought you’re my yoda… :(_  
**SterekXXX:** _omg, Scotty Scott_  
**SterekXXX:** _why haven’t we watch Star Wars with you_  
**SterekXXX:** _Tonight: Star Wars marathon!!!!!_  
**Catrica:** _no_  
**IsaacVanDork:** _no_  
**Boydjangles:** _no_  
**Dannilicious:** _no_  
**Jackass:** _no_  
**SallyAlly:** _love you Stiles, but no_  
**QueenLydia:** _no_

…0…

**SterekXXX**

**[16.03 PM]**  
Got your Adderall  
Need manpain?

 **[16.04 PM]**  
_yeah…can’t dismiss my fortnightly dosage_  
_since I need expressive eyebrows and terrifying scowls to finish the next plot_  
_you know how much angst and manpain is poured into it_

 **[16.04 PM]**  
No, I don’t  
You vowed never to share any incomplete plot because you’ll jinx it  
And I thought it’s a women pov this time?

 **[16.05 PM]**  
_equal opportunities, shnookums, equal opportunities_  
_like Laura?_

 **[16.05 PM]**  
Laura is a manpain alright  
A man’s pain in the ass

 **[16.05 PM]**  
_:D :D :D_  
_I’m telling Lauraaa_

…0…

**SterekXXX**

**[12.54 PM]**  
Did you see my labia?

 **[13.13 PM]**  
_No?_  
_Laura’s reading this over my shoulder_  
_And she says you can swap it back anytime you want_  
_she misses her hot rod too_

 **[13.14 PM]**  
***letter  
tell her to fuck off

…0…

Group: **FAMILIES <3**

 **2 New Messages**  
**[14.29 PM]**  
**RavenHeaven:** _Can anyone get more coals?_  
**RavenHeaven:** _We’re out of it_

 **[14.29 PM]**  
**MerryLupin:** _I can get some on my way there_

 **[14.30 PM]**  
**RavenHeaven:** _thanks, Alex_  
**RavenHeaven:** _you know who’ll be behind the grill?_

 **[14.30 PM]**  
John will cock Peter

 **[14.31 PM]**  
**SterekXXX:** _:O :O :O_  
**SterekXXX:** _Dad, remember our TALK!!!!!!!_  
**BigBadLaura:** _Uncle Peter, remember to be a gentleman ;D_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _aren’t I always ;P_  
**MerryLupin:** _So, are you guys planning for spring or winter?_  
**MerryLupin:** _I can get you discounts_  
**ScaryCora:** _Isn’t that a little too haste_  
**ScaryCora:** _they haven’t reach their tenth date quota_  
**SterekXXX:** _no Stiles = no chaperone = no dates = no one’s getting their nuptials!!!!!_  
**BigBadLaura:** _YET! ;)_  
**MelissaNightingale:** _And John isn’t a blushing virgin anymore, Stiles_  
**MelissaNightingale:** _It’s okay to let him out of the nest by his own_  
**RavenHeaven:** _I think they’ll be a good match_  
**PapaMufasa:** _yeah, I think so too_  
**PapaMufasa:** _But what about Chris?_  
**GastonC:** _What about me?_  
**SterekXXX:** _NOOOOoooo_  
**SterekXXX:** _my braaaiiiinnnn…_  
**SallyAlly:** _I agreed with Stiles…eewwww…_  
**GastonC:** _What?_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _Oh hush children_  
**MerryLupin:** _It’s very scarring to our delicate souls, uncle…_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _I don’t sponsor earplugs and I don’t care_

 **[14.42 PM]**  
**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _Does anyone realize it’s the damn autocorrect…_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _Hush John, or the fairy tale will be moot_  
**CreepyUncleP:** _someone needs to keep the magic alive ;P_  
**MelissaNightingale:** _we was hoping it won’t be you Peter…_  
**BigBadLaura:** _that’s why they need Chris into the combination_  
**GastonC:** _still not following…_  
**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _What?_  
**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _I used to have a son who gives me daily stomach ulcer_  
**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _now I have a whole family…_  
**SterekXXX:** _that’s why 94% of your diet are veggies dad_  
**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _not the point kiddo…_  
**MamaAlpha:** _Welcome to the family, John :)_

 **[15.57 PM]**  
**JackScottington:** _wow…this is a lot of msg_  
**JackScottington:** _what did I miss?_  
**JackScottington:** _on second thought…nvm_

…0…

**ScaryCora**

**1 New Message**  
**[10.16 AM]**  
_Is Henry with you?_

 **[10.16 PM]**  
yes, he’s wanking with the coroner

 **[10.17 AM]**  
_morbid_  
_and Laura want you to warn him not to bring any maggots back to their bed_

 **[10.17 AM]**  
do I even need to explain…

 **[10.17 AM]**  
_nope_  
_Laura found the whetstone anyway_

…0…

Group: **StilinskisFeels**

 **1 New Message**  
**[11.43 AM]**  
**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _are you both having dinner here?_

 **[11.43 AM]**  
yes, Stiles will be cockblocked  
*****COOKING

 **[11.43 AM]**  
**SterekXXX:** _nice save :D_  
**SterekXXX:** _and we’ll never be cockblocked_  
**SterekXXX:** _not even with having a cop dad/boss and his guns!_

 **[11.47 AM]**  
**Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL):** _Son, there are some infos a parent can live without_

…0…

**Boydjangles**

**1 New Message**  
**[13.29 PM]**  
_Are the two of you coming over later?_

 **[13.29 PM]**  
yeah, I’ll ask Stiles to bring the dildo

 **[13.30 PM]**  
_Nah, they’re covered by Jackson_  
_Just bring the ice box_

 **[13.30 PM]**  
ok

…0…

**JackScottington**

**[10.06 AM]**  
Is Bruce okay?

 **[10.06 AM]**  
_yup, just need a few injections and he’ll be bouncing right back in no time_  
_I called Stiles to pick him up later_

 **[10.06 AM]**  
I can pick him up  
Stiles is busy with his pregnancy

 **[10.07 AM]**  
_okay, cool_

 **[11.16 AM]**  
_wait_  
_not cool!_  
_You knocked up Stiles?!_

 **[11.17 AM]**  
**writing  
it’s the autocorrect, stop spunking  
*freaking out  
and since I’m his husband, it’s ok for him to have my baby?

 **[11.17 AM]**  
_oh right_  
_sorry_  
_but if Stiles IS pregnant_  
_I get to be the honorary godfather_

…0…

**SterekXXX**

**1 New Message**  
**[13.46 PM]**  
_why did Scott make me promise that he’ll be the honorary godfather to my imaginary baby_  
_after my imaginary 9 months pregnancy_

 **[13.46 PM]**  
because he’s an idiot  
along with this funking phone  
*fucking

 **[13.46 PM]**  
_your phone sure is eager huh?_

 **[13.46 PM]**  
no, you can’t have my phone’s babies  
imaginary or not

 **[13.47 PM]**  
_Cuddle pie, your cavemanness is showing! :D_  
_And I like my imaginary baby to have your brows and eyes_

 **[13.47 PM]**  
and your button nose and mordant wits

 **[13.47 PM]**  
_and your grumpy scowl and marshmallow heart_

 **[13.47 PM]**  
and your beauty spots and contagious laughter

 **[13.47 PM]**  
_aawww_  
_now I definitely want to hold our imaginary baby!!!_

 **[13.48 PM]**  
after this trilogy?

 **[13.48 PM]**  
_after this trilogy_

 **[13.48 PM]**  
love you Stiles

 **[13.48 PM]**  
_:D <3_  
_love you too sourwolf_


End file.
